In therapy today I was expressing concern that “Manic Will,” could be gone forever. The what if of that scares the hell out of me.
- What if I have only been successful at work and made the name for myself that I have, just because I was an uncontrolled manic?
- What if manic Will is the one that one of the VPs at my job basically promised a spot to at the end of the year?
- What if Manic Will is the one that doesn’t miss things, follows up within 12 hours, and charms customers with a grace and ease that others can only dream of?
- What if non Manic Will isn’t appealing to future clients, bosses, or anyone?
- What if Manic Will is who I built my identity off of, and I’ve got to send him away? Who the hell am I then?
- What if Manic Will is gone forever, in all ways?
So we talked about that, and my therapist told a story of when she was working at Walter Reed (thank you for your service BC) as a radiology tech in the prosthetic ward. This one soldier who had lost both legs from an IED strapped on his prosthetics, grabbed her, swung her around and they started dancing. He said to her “I can dance better with these than I ever could before anyway!”
Wow. Just wow. What a great story to hear, to relate to the concept of happiness with loss. The man just said before, not real legs or anything else.
So as I sit here writing this, contemplating my next move, what do I really think about myself? Can I find a way to deal with not being uncontrolled Manic Will all the time? Can I find a way to work harder, straight and not chemically out of balance, to make up the difference? Is it worth the effort? I don’t know.
It’s a damn hard question. It’s a soul defining question for that matter … one that I think I’ll be answering forever.
Manic Will was an outstanding sales person and a great employee. Manic Will was not always the best husband and father. Manic Will felt invincible, and would either conquer every challenge that dared get in the way, or move around them. Manic Will, the one addicted to the meteoric high of uncontrolled psychotic mania, didn’t know how to live without it.
That’s the struggle today. That’s the struggle tomorrow, and every day after. Finding happiness in loss.