Today was a hard day. Anxiety was up, paranoia was up, and at the end of it, I am feeling down. It’s safe to say we are solidly in a depressive part of the manic depressive roller coaster!
With apologies for the sarcasm, it is amazing how much clearer this all becomes as a working theory on why I’ve acted the way I have over the years. The next ten working days will have a lot to say about where my year ends relative to my goal, and it’s hard to feel “up” because there isn’t anything else I can do. And the inner workings of Will are craving something, anything, to feel that high again.
Listen, I get it. My life is more than just my job. My Family provides me great joy, great immeasurable joy. The curse in this disease that I have though is that I can’t see past the nose in my face unless someone or something is there to take my face in their hands and say “LOOK AT WHAT YOU DO HAVE.”
In just a few short weeks Bipolar has robbed me of my freedom and most of my ability to feel. It’s taken from me the ability to live and think care-free. I still feel but, everything has to be purposeful now. Everything has to be calculated and thought out and planned well in advance.
I want to believe I still know who I am. I think God loves me, despite this white whale of a challenge He has put before me. Honestly, this is the first time I’ve invoked His name or mentioned Him in the blog so far, relative to what’s going on in my life.
Am I angry at God? Do I have that right? Can I be mad when I’ve been given so much, yet feel this horrible weight on me and my family? This weight feels self inflicted … am I to blame for all of this? It comes down to what I feel my purpose on this earth is … I have heard before that when He put them in the Garden of Eden, God told Adam and Eve to be happy.
God grant me happiness with this new reality in my life. Please.