It’s been a long string of them, but I don’t. I really don’t. My life is good. Manic depressive or not, I have a lot to be grateful for:
- Gorgeous wife
- Adorable kids
- Great job
- Beautiful home
- Growing, adapting support system for what is happening in my mind right now
What is going on in my mind and heart sucks, there’s no other way about it. The effects the medicines are having on me are without adequate words to describe them. It’s something that I think has the potential to be a defining moment in my life – it’s certainly a turning point one way or another.
I’m just tired. The side effects of the first pill bring out issues that create out a need for the second pill and the third pill is for when the first two just get out of control and the level gets too severe for my personal safety. Typing that explanation just wore me out and made me feel silly. I know it’s something that is just part of my life right now, but it’s not that easy to deal with it.
I’ve had a few bad days. They have to turn, they just have to.
Nobody said bipolar was going to be an easy experience … I need to be sure that I am keeping my eyes on the goal here – that the purpose is remembered, so that I don’t let myself slide off of why I’m doing this. According to Goodwin and Jamison (Psychiatric Times, 2007) 50% of people who have bipolar attempt suicide, and overall 19% of people with bipolar complete their attempts. I get it.
I get it. I get it 2000x over. The treatment sucks. The side effects are awful. They have shaken me to my core, and made me consider and reconsider who I am, and which direction is up in my life. The fight sucks. When this is all said and done, I’m going to be like Floyd Mayweather – winning only because I figured out how to dance around and avoid the body blows that can be fatal. My family is the reason why I avoid those fatal blows.
These three (and a half – Louie is small) are my world, and the only reason why I still draw breath. I’ll save stories and details for later – but I will push on through these horrible medicines, and being a Walgreen’s regular, and hating how I feel until I feel better for the people in this picture.