This has been a week of cloudy clairvoyance; of lighthearted loss; of heartbroken happiness.
General conference was a good experience for me this past weekend, but I missed two and a half session having to be drugged up due to anxiety and safety issues. It is always good to see the leadership of the church come together to teach and lead. I’m glad for the chance to have seen President Monson for what may have been the last time – his health seems to be getting worse every time we see him.
I am tired though. Monday morning was a world collapsing morning from the point of view of how I felt about my safety. I went to get my hair cut, and then had a gap until a 1:30 meeting with my boss. I couldn’t get out of my car in any form … I was fine to drive, but I felt that extreme anxiety.
The decision, the whisper of the Holy Ghost came through my cloudy mind over and over – it’s ok to go seek more serious help and treatment. I’ve been fighting the push from my treatment providers and my team to go into an inpatient facility since this all started. Over the last three months since my mind exploded, I have been trying to fight through this leaning on the medicines (all FIVE different prescriptions and dosages in eight weeks). I have tried to fight through this leaning on Megan and family and friends. I’ve had to employ a very targeted approach in how I am working so I get the most out of it.
But I can’t fight anymore. I can’t fight the thoughts and promptings and mental urges to end my life. Those are made worse by the medicines I have to take for OTHER issues that are going on. But If I lean any further over on Megan and my care team I will be horizontal. The realization happened Monday as well that alcohol has more appeal than medicine for taking care of my symptoms and issues. That’s not good … first off, I shouldn’t drink. Also – obviously, I can’t mix alcohol and the damn medicines I’m on. So – all those realizations and moments of clarity came out and blossomed Monday into me telling Megan that I need to take the treatment of all of this to the next level.
So where am I?
Are my issues and challenges serious enough to check into an in patient facility and give these issues some 100% attention? Am I ready to take that step? Embrace that move? Deal with the repercussions? Live with the stigma? Fight the stigma? Live at all? Live well?
Where am I?
I am tired. I am lost. I am lonely right now. I need light.