Entry #4 April 7

Go Hard, or Go Home

I think this phrase has defined my life in more times and in more ways than I can count. It’s the epitome of a manic phrase, but it is also the definition of how to succeed.  My life has been full of jumping back and forth between the two states of manic and depressive, but I’ve lived mostly on the manic spectrum.  I like to be up.  I like to feel that adrenaline. Go big, or go home.

I’ll say it out loud:  I’m in an inpatient lock down mental health facility.  I’ve been here for 36-ish hours and I’m eyeballs deep in treatment.  I’ll write more about the unit that I’m in later.  It’s a solid mix of age and illness, and makes for interesting theater.  There are 24 hours of daily treatment going on, and they are structured to help me get myself through this time and issue.  It’s not 100% dedicated to (manic) Will, and perhaps that’s a good thing.  It’s also not 100% dedicated to Will because there are 249 other people here who need help as well.

It has not been easy, and it’s not been comfortable by any means, but I’m here.  the tools are here.  The environment is here where I can take the time to be able to get myself right.  Shame on me or any one else here who doesn’t use these and try their damnedest to feel helped.

I’ll be honest, I am a little disappointed at the idea that I can’t plan on going home on the weekend.  The breakthrough that I enjoyed yesterday was so wonderful and helpful, but I need to acknowledge that that addressed primarily the mental side.  The medications I am (and will be) on, which aren’t negotiable, are going to be a part of my life forever.  They haven’t been given a full chance to go full cycle on my body yet, and that needs to happen.  That  is largely why I’m here – to get the meds right.

This facility is not perfect, sure.  But they are taking good care of me, perhaps just at a pace different than what I like.  My motivations are pure and sincere, and I am at a place that specializes in what  I need.  Who I am to walk away from that?  I won’t.

So.  I’ll go hard.  Then I’ll go home.


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