My 13 reasons … for those of us who don’t get a special on Netflix.   

There’s been a lot of talk going around about the special on Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why.   

The community (is that the right word?) that keeps and tracks statistics around suicides calls suicide attempts that end in death successful.

I’m glad that I’ve been unsuccessful three times.

Three times.

Over nearly 32 years of life, I’ve lost the will to live and voted against the sanctity of my life as I tried to end it three times.

In the moments, and all three events are me as if they just happened yesterday, there were dozens of reasons for doing it.

  • I was too fat for attention from girls 
  • I was too much of an outsider to fit in and have friends 
  • I felt like a disappointment to my wife
  • I had managed to disappoint even myself 
  • I was on the bottoming out portion of a manic episode, and the down side just wouldn’t stop 
  • I was 100% not worth the fight it would take to live on

Suicide is a scary moment.   No matter the manner I chose to try doing it, the moment of actually taking that step is horribly scary.   It’s like the last moment before you get to the top of a roller coaster for the first drop …  but all you do is drop.  It feels for an instant like there’s no coming back up.   Thankfully for me, I’ve been able to find my way back up.

My adventures in the world of anti psychotics – to treat my bipolar – has brought out suicidal ideation like I’ve never seen in my life, even being someone with three attempts.   That’s the main reason why I checked into a hospital back in early April – to let the medicine do the nasty work it needed to in my brain so it could stop hurting me and start helping.   Here’s the win though – it did.  We pushed through.   I haven’t wanted to think about hurting myself in longer than I can remember.  Therapy has really helped me see that life is precious.   Suicide, especially with a family, is not just a singular action.  It’s something that you do that affects everyone near you and everything from that moment forward.

I’ve thought a lot about writing about my suicide attempts, and how to write about them and what to say.   Would a play by play be appropriate?  Probably not.   Do I really need to write anything at all?   Yes, I truly believe so.   So here we are.

I’ve attempted to take my life three times in 32 years and thankfully never been successful.  My motivations have been everything from social issues, to inner perceptions of myself, to manic depressive side effects.   My methods didn’t work, and didn’t leave any permanent physical scars, but they did leave some things that I will never forget.

One day, the dawn will break, and the shadows of mortality – my weight, my bipolarity, etc – will flee.   I won’t want to hurt myself anymore because I’ll truly see myself with the lens that God sees me in, and that is perfect vision.

Friends, if you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts and wanting to take action, please reach out and talk.  I created this blog for that purpose.   As a reminder the National Suicide Prevention lifeline is 24 hours a day and they have a great website too.   Their number is 800 273 8255.

Be one of someone’s 13 reasons why they chose to live.


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