So it’s been a week more or less since I wrote last.
I needed some time away, and frankly things have been super busy in my life – both across the mental illness maintenance spectrum, and all things personal, and all things professional. Most of what’s gone on has been positive – I can’t complain about any of it.
Time away does one good though – it’s good for retrospection, and for time to not just think but really really digest how things are going and what can be done. It’s a blessing for me to be able to have a time professionally where I can really enjoy some mental downtime.
When it comes to my mental illness management … I’m mostly in a good place. I saw the new psychiatrist last week, and I really like him. He’s a straight shooter who told me that of his whole patient load he’s got 2 patients who aren’t doing well, and that I would not be the 3rd. We talked for more than 30 minutes instead of the normal 10-12 minutes that I was used to getting from the prior psychiatrist. I felt good after coming out of his office – I felt hope. That’s been an all too infrequent feeling since February when this whole thing began.
This weekend was rough though, under the surface. In a page from my past – I’ll use lyrics to explain how I feel when I’m in the middle of a manic or depressive moment. They’re from Part from Me by the Avett Brothers. I’ll put the lyrics, and then link the whole video.
I was scared but I couldn’t admit it
Hatred planted out of fear
Fight or flight no choice but to hit it
The road, it calls on me my dear
I was lost as lost can be
Being praised for being found
But all that praise got lost on me
As a mood swing was headed down
Part from me
I would not dare take someone in love with me
Where I’m going
Apart you’ll see
How true it is and how back then
It possibly was impossible for you or me to know it
When I’m in the bad places, whether they be up or down – I need help. I’ll admit that. But there’s an internal conflict because I feel like I am dragging down family when I reach out to them for help … so sometimes I don’t. I’m not saying that’s a smart or wise plan, but it’s my reality.
Most days though, I don’t have to search too far. My dear wife is less than arms length away, and I can always go to her for the help and strength needed to get through every day. Most days, I don’t give a second thought to asking for help. Most days, the medicine and the therapy, and the tools I’ve learned and put in my corner are enough.
The time away is good for that – making sure that I’m ok for myself.
It’s good to be back.